Neurodiversity Affirming Communication
Human beings are the most complex creatures on the planet. Navigating different dynamics within family systems can be challenging but there are ways to ensure that each person can feel listened to and respected within the family.
Neurodivergent individuals have unique needs, processing styles, communication, experiences and responses in relation to neurotypical individuals. Neurodivergence includes Autism, ADHD and any other neurological conditions that deviate from a ‘typical’ neurological way of thinking.
One of the most significant challenges between neurodiverse family members is communication. On one hand, neurotypical communication styles can be more abstract while neurodivergent communication can be more direct.
Neurodivergent groups communicate effectively in the same way that neurotypical groups communicate effectively. Think of it like this: squirrels communicate with each other easily. Cats communicate with each other easily. But squirrels can find it challenging to understand cats, and vice versa.
To ensure effective communication between family members who are a mixture of neurotypical people and neurodivergent, it is important to be conscious of varying communication styles as well as holding consideration that all styles of communication and experiences are valid.
Neurodiversity should not be a barrier to connecting with loved ones.
Firstly, to ensure clear communication between neurotypes, it is essential to consider different communication styles. For example if a neurotypical child is feeling annoyed, they may appear blunt or speak quickly with an abrupt tone, leading others to assume the emotions behind the communication style and act accordingly.
Neurodivergent children may speak with a more blunt tone, when they are not annoyed, without being conscious of this, as they may be more focused on the information being exchanged, rather than the interaction or how they may be portrayed from an outsider’s point of view. This, of course, can cause conflict through misunderstanding the intentions behind a neurodivergent child’s communication.
When a neurodivergent child speaks in a blunt or flat tone, it is easy to misread as ‘rude’ or ‘dismissive’ however this is not often the case. Based on lived experiences of Autistic individuals, there is typically more emphasis on the information being exchanged, with accuracy and focus on the content of speech rather than the presentation of how this information is being expressed.
This can come across as direct, which can be misinterpreted in a negative way. As Autistic individuals can have a reduced awareness of their non-verbal gestures, it can be extremely confusing for them to be misinterpreted or misjudged - leading to further conflict when defending their intentions. It is important to consider and trust the intentions of the individual when communicating and to understand that the content of the communication is a valid way to self-advocate or express a sense of justice.
Always presume that neurodivergent children are communicating as best they can, and clarify where need be. This will ensure clear communication and reduce any misunderstanding or assumptions.
Secondly, a crucial part of connecting with the people around us is the mutual respect of other’s experiences and personal values. Instead of engaging in conflictual conversations, take into consideration the idea that there are personal values and morals behind each individual’s intention. Each person has strengths which may be visible in certain areas. No person is an ‘empty vessel’ and all people are trying the best with the information they have at the time. When there is misinformation there is often misunderstanding. Instead of pushing personal values on the neurodivergent child, try to provide education in regards to why you believe what you believe. Only then, can the child make an informed decision, which then needs to be respected from all parties.
Dialectic is a term used for the idea that two opposing sides of conflict can be true and can both be valid. This means that two people can experience the same situation and have entirely different perspectives on how this is interpreted, processed or understood.
This does not mean that one person will always end up being ‘correct’ or ‘right’, it means that the only person who can explain an experience is the person who lived through it. This is important to consider when communicating with family members, as misinterpretations can lead to stress and defensiveness. Often conflict comes from misunderstanding the other person’s information or truth.
A way to move past conflict caused by misinterpretation is to presume good intentions and to be conscious that each person is having a unique life experience which may be contributing to the way they communicate. With neurodivergent individuals, burn out can cause reduced communication skills and in more severe cases becoming non-verbal. Without the knowledge of reduced communication styles in burn out, these situations can be misinterpreted as ‘giving the silent treatment’ or disrespect. When in truth, the neurodivergent child can be overwhelmed or feel too stressed to express themselves effectively. Based on lived experiences of Autistic people, there is a fear based around authentic communication and misunderstanding - which can cause abruptness, masking or cause individuals to reduce speech completely. To ensure consciousness of neurodivergent experiences, instead of looking at the communication styles or the attitude, first consider what may be going on in their life that could be stressful for them. This will allow you to be considerate of their experiences and check in on the timing of the conversation, offering the option to return to the conversation when the neurodivergent person is feeling more regulated and more likely to be able to communicate and advocate for themselves effectively.
It can be frustrating feeling misunderstood, therefore try to use clear, concise communication rather than using abstract ideas to discuss a point of topic. If language is used which is accusatory or assuming, the conversation is likely to escalate and become more about the emotions felt from the conversation rather than the problem itself.
We must endeavour to always presume competence, as this will contribute to a positive sense of self, improved confidence and build trust. Try to avoid phrases which indicate negative assumptions about the person’s character such as:
“you always do / say this”
“you’ve said that before”
“you never do what you say you will”
The above phrases are likely to cause an emotional response, as the conversation is based on the content of their character, rather than addressing the current topic which is being discussed. Neurodivergent individuals may have difficulty knowing the specific reasons why conflict may have started, and work best with clear communication addressing the issues. It is crucial to include collaborative problem solving statements to reassure the individual that the challenge is something that needs to be solved by all parties. There are many negative outcomes associated with internalising problem situations, especially as neurodivergent children may consider themselves as the problem, not separating themselves from the isolated incident.
Try to use emotive and direct phrases such as:
“I feel confused because this happened, what was your plan when you did this?”
“I confused and wondering why this happened today, what got in the way?”
“I feel worried you did this, I wonder why this happened today, what can we try differently next time?”
These statements show that you as a parent, are trying to understand their behaviour and problem solve with them. It also lets them know that their behaviour can cause an emotional response for you too, allowing them to learn about how their actions can affect others. Avoid referring to previous challenges or unfavourable situations, as this can be interpreted as an ongoing, unsolvable problem. If a child starts to identify with a challenging behaviour which has been ongoing, it is not likely to change as they may start to believe this is part of their behaviour or identity.
Neurodivergent individuals can internalise feelings of disappointment, therefore it is imperative to stay calm, kind and honest when addressing situations. Try to stay focused and only include relevant information about the specific incident, as it can come across as intimidating and attacking if previous challenges are brought up. By entering a confronting conversation with curiosity and a problem solving mindset, the neurodivergent child is likely to feel comfortable to confide in you as a parent, and be honest about their experience and challenge. When discussing ‘challenging behaviour’ it is important to ask curious questions such as “what was your plan when you started doing this?” and “what do you think will happen next?”. This encourages the child to be reflective of their behaviour, allowing them to think ahead about natural consequences which would occur following the behaviour they have engaged in.
The way parents respond to difficult behaviour is crucial in preventing it in the future and plays a large part in creating a safe space for children to speak with parents about challenges. Children can resort to lying, particularly when they have done something unfavourable due to shame, guilt and fear of disappointment. It is important to respond in a curious and open minded way, so that children feel able to explain their difficulties in an honest way, without fear that they are disappointing their parents. Mistakes will happen and mistakes are a part of learning. Children will engage in risk taking and challenging behaviour particularly as they are growing and exploring their world. Try to remain calm when addressing problem behaviour, as this can be a space for teaching and problem solving skill development.
It can be helpful to ask curious questions instead of direct demands or statements. Try to replace “you broke this item when you were running around” with “when you were running were you looking at what was near you? If you are going too fast, do you think you will be able to stop quickly next time?”. This offers reflection and safety awareness strategies as you have clearly identified the behaviour, the risk and the plan for next time, in a non-judgemental way.
Instead of saying “don’t climb that high, you will fall!” say “what is your plan if you go too high? if you feel scared when you are up there, call out to me to give you some help.”
This allows children to be reflective on their plan during play, to stay aware of their safety and to have a clear problem solving strategy (ask parent) if they do feel scared or get stuck. The goal of calm responses and clear communication is to develop the child’s safety awareness and problem solving skills, so that they are able to use these skills when they are in the playground and as they grow older. It is more important to show a safe space for communication, rather than a reactive response. Although conversations can cause an emotional response from parents, it is crucial to maintain a calm and open mind when listening to a child discuss challenges or experiences. By remaining calm during difficult conversations, you will teach your child that it is a safe space for collaboration when they are coming to you with problems.
Children are unlikely to come to you willingly for advice or with challenges if they feel as though you will respond in an emotional or reactive way. This can be done by focusing on the ‘why’ rather than the ‘what’. For example, why were they engaging in the behaviour, rather than the behaviour itself. Were they feeling the need to exert movement energy, therefore running around and jumping on the couch? This is an opportunity to understand your child’s movement needs which can allow the space to encourage safe sensory experiences, ultimately minimising risk taking behaviour in the future. The goal is not for your child to stop making mistakes, it is instead, for them to make those mistakes and know that they can always come to their parent for support and problem solving as they grow into adults.
Tracey-Leigh Edwards
Occupational Therapist
