Behavioural Support for Parents
“You cannot make a child behave better, by making them feel worse” - Dr. Ross Greene.
The following information is based on the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions Model by Dr. Ross Greene.
Behavioural interventions for children often focus on motivational change in order to reduce difficult behaviours such as rewards and consequences. This is based around the idea that if a child has the right extrinsic incentives, they will just stop engaging in challenging behaviour by choice. For this to be effective, the underlying basis of this concept is that a child ultimately has the choice to engage in difficult behaviour or not. What we know now, is that more often than not, children actually do not have an active choice when resorting to difficult behaviours, and instead these behaviours are a communicative measure to expressing their distress and inability to engage in tasks. When a child is viewed as having a choice whether to exhibit difficult behaviours, the interventions used to address this are typically based around the parents in power, controlling the behaviour and not addressing the underlying issues causing the behaviour. More research is now surfacing which indicates that most difficult behaviours are initiated by unmet needs, reduced skills and communicative difficulties.
Previously, behavioural interventions were based on rewards and consequences - assuming that with the right motivation a child will learn to act in a way that pleases others. What this approach did not consider, was that there is always a reason behind behaviours. The reason behind what we call 'difficult’ behaviours is more often than not, the result of an unmet need, difficulty meeting an expectation or under developed skill. By understanding this concept, the intervention approach completely shifts to helping the child up skill rather than reward or reprimand what they already can or cannot do. The previous behavioural interventions (rewards and consequences) do not address the challenges, and instead add additional pressure onto the child where we now always assume they are trying their best. Dr. Ross Greene has a great quote which reads: “children do well when they can” instead of “children do well when they want to”. When children are reprimanded for expressing their frustration through behaviours, it actually escalates the issue and adds another layer of them feeling guilt, shame and can lead to low self-confidence.
In order to reduce challenging behaviours, parents must ask “what expectation is this child failing to meet” and “why”. By shifting the lens away from viewing children as acting ‘naughty’ or ‘manipulative’ the parents then are able to understand that the child is trying their best and there is an unsolved problem causing frustration for the child.
Dr. Ross Greene frames this mindset by saying “behaviours are the ‘fever’ and unsolved problems are the 'cold/flu'“. Considering this metaphor - typically when individuals are sick it is less helpful to cure the symptom and much more effective to cure the illness itself which causes the symptom in the first place. This approach works on solving underlying problems rather than addressing the surface behaviours children exhibit.
By using things like rewards and consequences, it only addresses the challenging behaviour itself, not the unsolved problem. Behaviour modification does not solve the problem which provoked the response. Behaviour modification including rewards and consequences can lead to further challenges with self-concept and interpersonal communication. If a child is only able to communicate their frustration or challenges with parents by exhibiting difficult behaviour, which is then reprimanded - the child’s underlying issues are not being addressed or solved. The child may then view this as invalidating or dismissive, it also means that the next time this expectation arises, parents will see the same result. It is counterproductive to respond and implement consequences when the child demonstrates difficult behaviours. The way behaviours are categorised can change the parents perception of behaviour. Dr Ross Greene categorises behaviours in two categories ‘lucky’ and ‘unlucky’ ways of communicating frustration.
Lucky: whining, pouting, sulking, crying, withdrawing.
Lucky behaviours result in minimal natural consequences.
Unlucky: hitting, screaming, destroying property.
Unlucky behaviours result in severe consequences. These behaviours are less likely to illicit empathy from caregivers or educators.
Both lucky and unlucky ways of expressing frustration communicate the same thing:
“I am struggling and cannot meet this expectation”.
The quality of a child’s frustration response has much to do with their skills and how they are able to communicate that frustration. Believing the behaviour is related to poor motivation needs to be reframed to thinking about their skill set.
The difference between a well behaved child and child with concerning behaviour is that the well behaved child has skills to be frustrated in a ‘lucky’ way or access help in a manageable way. The other is lagging skills, shown within social, emotional and behavioural challenges.
For the child who demonstrates their frustration in an unlucky way, the parents must identify the unsolved problem which prompted the concerning behaviour. Once this has been solved, there will be no need for the frustration response from the child meaning no difficult behaviours.
So what ‘lagging’ skills need to be adequately developed for the child to be able to communicate frustration and access help in a lucky way?
Flexibility/adaptability
Frustration tolerance
Problem solving
Emotional regulation
These are the global skills that help us respond to problems and frustrations adaptively. Many skills can be taught through direct instruction, but these may not be among them. Theses skills are enhanced by engaging kids in the process of solving problems collaboratively. Unsolved problems are the targets of intervention in the CPS model.
The child may demonstrate the above lagging skills however these are not the focus of intervention, they are assistive information for parents to consider when solving problems with their child.
You aren’t just solving problems or improving concerning behaviour or relationship with the kid or communication with the kid you are simultaneously enhancing the skills your kid is lagging.
It is important to only focus on one unsolved problem at a time, so prioritise safety, frequency and gravity.
SAFETY: Unsolved problems contributing to unsafe behaviour
FREQUENCY: Unsolved problems contributing to concerning behaviours most often
GRAVITY: Unsolved problems that are having the greatest impact negatively on their life or others
Put the less important unsolved problems on hold, reduce expectations and focus on only one unsolved problem at a time. Solve the problem collaboratively by:
Use empathy: gather information from the child about what’s hard about meeting the expectation (ask the kid). Identify adult concerns to them. Collaborate on a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory (ask the kid).
By shifting the perception of challenging behaviours to a problem solving collaborative approach, parents and educators are more likely to see success and development within the child’s ability to express frustration and engage in the tasks they avoid/escalate from.
Tracey-Leigh Edwards
Occupational Therapist
